Wednesday, August 3

How to lose your guy friends (a girl's guide)

  1. Start dating one of them. He will never again be your friend. Neither, perhaps, will his friends.
  2. Tell them what you really, really think of his new girlfriend. (I haven't tried this one yet, but I have friends who can vouch for it!)
  3. Start trying to "improve" him---wardrobe, nasty habits, diction, etc. Works like a charm.
  4. Get a boyfriend whom none of your guy friends likes. They will scatter like pigeons.
  5. Date a man who is posessive, or become posessive of one you're daing & justify your posessiveness by telling yourself you don't see male friends, so he shouldn't see female friends. It sounds fair when you put it like that, right?
  6. Introduce him to one of your girlfriends, fix them up, and wave goodbye. You may never be allowed to fraternize again (see rule #5; your friend may be this girl).
  7. Make him read your poetry. Your poetry is probably bad; most poetry is.
  8. Complain to him about your current boyfriend. You will feel guilty about it and he will become sick of it very, very quickly. Men are not like women in this way (you can beetch all you want to your gf's about bf's transgressions).
  9. Try to take him shopping. Make him tell you what he thinks of your outfits. Men will only do this if they really, really want to sleep with you. If he goes shopping with you more than once, beware: you're out of friend territory (see When Harry Met Sally).
  10. Sleep with a guy friend (fastest route to ending friendship).

1 comment:

autoegocrat said...

You left a few out:

11. Always travel with your female friends in pairs, or even worse, as a trio. The more "inside jokes" you share with your buddies, the better.

12. Force him to attend a musical or an opera. Tell him how much it would mean to you before you give him a chance to warm up to the idea.

13. Cry at inappropriate or extremely inconvenient times. Gushing at the policeman who is thinking about giving you a ticket is bad, cranking up the waterworks when you get a flat tire is good. Anything that persuades the guy that your emotions exist only for the purpose of making life more difficult for him personally will obtain the desired effect.

14. If you really, really want to get rid of a guy, emotional blackmail always works, unless the guy is desperate and is also a sucker. Every time he does or says something you don't like, tell him how much it "hurts your feelings." This works like a charm if you restrict its use to instances when he has a legitimate complaint against you.

15. Get a small, yappy, ankle-biting dog like a chihuahua or a daschund and reward it for bad behavior. This works especially well if you can choke up a few tears every time you have to discipline it. For added effect, make a show of giving the dog a treat out of guilt immediately after a punishment. This will drive any guy nuts.

16. Learn how to maintain your own car and make minor repairs around the house. If you already have a job that pays well, this will send most "men" packing right after the initial curiosity wears off. Beware, sometimes this can backfire, as your intended target may actually fall in love with you instead.

17. In the same vein as your first suggestion, sleeping with one member of a clique of guys will generally turn you off to all the rest of the guys in the clique. Nobody wants 'sloppy seconds' off of one of their friends.

There are probably more ways to make a guy run for the hills, but I am getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay depressed trying to think of them all.