Charm your date with humor!

Am I ever glad I'm not dating someone who's read (and believed) this column by Elise Nersesian on MSN. This is not an endorsement, but I am a mad clicker & this popped up on hotmail when I checked my email. I just have to point out the idiocy of taking their advice.

Funny Fundamental #1: The Bait-and-Switch... "... Step one: Deliberately misinterpret something your date says. Step two: Answer with a statement that's a play on what they've said. For example, your date may ask, 'How do you like the scones?' (the bait). Your response: 'I don't know; I've never seen The Scones in concert. Are they good?' (the switch). ... If your date laughs, it means they have a sense of humor and they're a keeper. If not, they think you're a bonehead and will do the breaking up for you." [Also makes for a painfully awkward date, esp. when this is not your natural sense of humor. Ugh!] Funny Fundamental #2: The Callback "Show your date that you're able to laugh at your mistakes — and bring back a funny moment throughout the night — with a technique called 'the callback.' ... A word of warning: Use this technique only three times in the night—after that, the joke gets old, and there's a fine line between hilarious and just reminding your date you messed up." [I hate this guy already. I think I can respect someone who mispronounces a word by accident, thoughnot deliberately and repeatedly.] Funny Fundamental #3: Character Voices "... We're not talking about Daffy Duck impressions—stick to mimicking characters in your story. ... And don't worry if you can't master an accent or if it's not a good impression—it's the effort that counts! However, don't risk trying an impression of your date while on the date. Save that for years down the road." [WARNING! Do not try this on the pre-sex dates! It will backfire, truuust me.] Funny Fundamental #4: The Save "A 'save' is when you create an awkward situation by accident and then alleviate your blunder by saying something funny. For instance, you might go on a 10-minute tirade about how much you loathe Billy Joel only to have your date tell you she's seen him in concert 14 times. At this point you may be tempted to apologize, but don't. You said what you said—equivocating just makes you look weak. To 'save' this situation, you need to take your argument to absurd proportions, and say something like, 'Obviously you're unaware that Billy Joel cheated my entire family out of our fortune.' This renders the whole conversation ridiculous, and therefore harmless." [Ok, not much I can say here, except a tirade may not be in order, but then again neither is a date with someone who's obsessed with Billy Joel. Let's move on to #5.] Funny Fundamental #5: The "Yes, And…" Tactic "The 'yes, and...' is simply building on a statement your date makes in order to move the conversation to an absurd new level. For example, if your date takes one look at the restaurant bill and says it's so high he'll have to rob a bank to cover it, don't just let his comment sit there. Take it one step further by saying, 'Sure, robbing a bank sounds like a good idea—and there's one just down the block. How about I drive the getaway car?' If, however, you aren't digging the guy, definitely don't 'yes, and...' his offer for a second date. End the improv scene right there!" [This bank-robber shtick would scare me, but so would a guy who offers to pay & then bitches about the bill. Ix-nay.]

I guess the key is that if you have to read tips online about how to be funny, you should know right then & there that you are not funny. Please do not try to be; those of us with any sense of humor will not be fooled. Or entertained. Why do I read this crap? I don't even have a date possibility. Boys are all gross. Maybe they're just gross cause it's summer & they'll get cuter with football season + bourbon.